Female competition is a habitual impulse intimately tied in with our instinct for procreation, our longing for love, and our need for shelter. It happens instantly. In a split second a woman scans another and notes “nice dress”, “lame shoes”, “expensive purse”, “she’s fat”, “she’s gorgeous” and the inevitable cross-comparison follows promptly: “My clothes are not as nice”, “my hair is not as beautiful”, “my eyelashes are not as long” and so on. That tendency is so deeply embedded in our social bearing it trickles into subtle interactions at work, in families, and with friends. It affects multigenerational relations (mother-daughter, teacher-student), and can sour the deepest and greatest friendships and collaborations.
Yet, at the same time, we hold a correspondingly powerful and integral desire to connect and co-create with one another; to savor the joy of shared experiences, emotions, and endeavors. The yearning to share the fruits of our labor and the richness of life-long connection and supportive community is central to our humanity.
In my dance company, I’ve found managing these delicate interrelation dynamics much more challenging than actually teaching dance! Women naturally want to come together as sisters and enjoy the spirit of creating, sweating, and transforming together, and yet, these nagging voices of “why is she getting more performance time?”, and “I suck, everyone is getting it but me!” or “she looks so beautiful in her costume and I look like a sack of potatoes!” find their way into spoiling our experience, leaving us feeling isolated, hurt, dejected and at times utterly a failure!
I’ve seen many of my dancers oscillate between exhibiting an inflated sense of confidence, as to say “I got it” only to swing fiercely off the other side of the pendulum, feeling rejected and valueless. We all feel at times “on top of the world” and at other times, in the despair of facing our utmost contractions. These swings are natural and are part of being a living, evolving, shifting, and growing being.
Cultivating awareness of the waves of contraction and expansion, acknowledging these two dynamics at play: one of division, and the other of connection, allows us to release what is no longer serving us and stay present with the complexity of every situation. Finding our sense of humor with it, and nurturing our care, empathy and sincere love to ourselves and to our sisters allow us to embrace jealousy as one strand among many in the fabric of a resilient community.
Being present with the continuum of our emotions, staying clear and true to our experience, allows us to gently stir our attitude and actions into honoring our own innate brilliance and that of our sisters. We all have a part to play in the tapestry of our shared experience. We are in a relationship with one another in myriad ways, by the air we breathe, the soil we stand upon, the children we raise, and the moon that guides us to manifest our dreams. Sisters Unite!